Sleep Paralysis, Fear, and the Voice.

Consciousness Exploration Journal

1/11/12

I woke from a dream and found myself in full sleep paralysis. I was getting slight sensory input from the actual room in which I was sleeping and also from the sleep/dream state. I tried to maintain my composure and relax into the sleep paralysis. I felt a shift and had the very real sensation of being turned onto my side with my feet floating well above where the bed would be. My head seemed to be anchored to the location of my actual head on the pillow. A forceful wind began rushing passed me. My tilted and sideways body began flapping like a flag in a storm. Many of the other typical sensations were present: voices, chatter, buzzing, etc. One of the voices sounded very similar to that of Bob Monroe (as he sounds on the various hemi-sync audio files). I focused on what he was saying, but could only pull out bits and pieces. I eventually could make out something along the lines of, “I will let go and see what happens, even if I might die... even if I might die”. I was a bit surprised and curious about this statement, but at the same time found it very fitting. I tried to remember what task or test I had planned to carry out, but was too distracted by the breadth and intensity of the various sensations.  The sensations of my body in the waking world were still present, but only slightly so. I could hear the nails of my dog’s paws taping across the floor as she approached the side of the bed to be let outside. The sound was distant and muffled though, like a fading memory. A seemingly random question entered my mind: “what lessons should I be learning from this life?” The sensations grew to a violent intensity. My awareness of the waking world quickly faded. I figuratively gritted my teeth and braced for impact. Suddenly, and as clear as if somebody was standing a foot from my ear, I heard a voice say, “aaaahhhhhhhhhhh” as if the voice was doing a comical imitation of somebody riding on a roller coaster. There was such a strong feeling that the sound was directed specifically at me by an outside observer that I began working to stop the experience. Slowly, I was able to wiggle a toe and then a finger and eventually wake up. 

I had a similar experience several weeks ago. I woke up in sleep paralysis and was experiencing the usual sensations. I mustered up some courage and just tried to relax into it. On this occasion, I heard the same voice as in the above experience. However, this particular time it made a silly and almost comical growl (similar to the way that I might growl as I am playing with my kids). It also gave me a bit of a scare and caused me to stop the experience. It is interesting that the voice in both of these experiences sounds like my own. 

Though I have experienced sleep paralysis well over 100 times, the intensity and extent of the various sensations still takes me by surprise. There is no doubt that sleep paralysis can serve as a gateway to the stereotypical out-of-body experience (at least for me). In most every case, when I encourage the sleep paralysis state further, there is, at some point, the clear sensation of detaching from my sleeping body or connecting to a new reality while still maintaining full awareness. The sensation is as real and as crisp as the sensation of sitting in this chair and typing on a keyboard. The experiences that occur after these separations vary. Some have lead to profound and life-changing experiences. In others, I just float up into a thick darkness and am unable to use my mental intent to effect or alter the experience. 

The voice has sent me running away with my tail between my legs twice. I'll see what I can do next time.

Tom Campbell’s discussion of fear in the video below has helped me a great deal in relation to sleep paralysis (you can skip the intro and start the video at 50 seconds). Courage truly is the only effective antidote for fear. It seems that the more I dig and explore who I am, the more fear and ego I dig up. I have let go of the notion that perfection is the goal. The goal, as I see it, is to maintain a steady state of evolution toward love. 

The Consoling, Concrete Cherub

Consciousness Exploration Journal

11/11/11

I was looking at a familiar pool and noticed that the water in the hot tub section was very cloudy. I went closer to investigate. The abnormal shape of the hot tub caused me to  immediately recognized that I was dreaming. Out of habit, I did a “reality check” by attempting to push my finger through the palm of my opposing hand. I realized that it was not necessary to do this since I was already fully aware that I was dreaming, but I decided to try it anyway. Strangely, it did not work. I began pressing very hard until the back of my hand began to bulge (similar to pushing a finger into Play-Doh). As I focused on this, I began to feel the familiar buzzing and vibrating sensations. I sensed a distinct shift. The simplest way to express this shift it is that I and the experience itself began to feel much more crisp and real. I began floating upward while the dream scape slowly vanished. As before when this has happened I had a definite sensation that I was “going” somewhere new. Many times in the past, this shift has been so amazing and real that my excitement has snapped me right out of the experience. This time I tried to remain calm and just go with it. 

I suddenly found myself in a different outdoor pool area. This one was much larger and was full of various garden type sculptures (cherub fountains, animal shaped bushes, etc). I remembered my intent to communicate with somebody in this state. I looked around at the various sculptures and began to get the feeling that I was to choose one of them. The sculptures tended to change and morph as I looked at them. It seemed as though a given sculpture would change based on what I was thinking it might represent (similar to creating and finding shapes in cloud formations). As I proceeded, I began to get a familiar sensation of deep sadness. I have felt this before in other similar experiences. It is very difficult to describe. I suppose it could be comparable to crying in waking life, though that does not do it any justice. It is just an immense purge of sadness. It is in some ways comparable to being a child and crying to your parent about something deeply sad. Not a child’s cry about a dropped ice cream, but a cry because his sibling is dying of cancer - a deep and necessary release of sadness. This sensation took over the experience. I have no other words to explain it other than I felt like I was being soothed. I was standing at a concrete fountain-sculpture of a cherub. I had the idea that the sculpture was a source of information of sorts. I began carrying on to the sculpture about how hard it (life) was and how I deeply wanted to grow and become better in every way that I could - a better father, a better husband, brother, friend, etc. The view of my life from that state seemed analogous to an olympic runner trying to run a race in 2 feet of mud. As with other interactions in these states I began to receive data that I had to interpret (again something that is difficult to explain). It was a seemingly larger amount of information and I tried very hard to sort though it all in my head. I was concerned that I would not be able to remember it all when I woke up. Much of it was not even words, but instead general concepts and feelings. I tried my best to summarize it all so that I would remember. 

The summery of the data was something like: “you are doing quite well - working hard to grow. Everything is as it should be. The experience of hardship and struggle is necessary and will help you grow further.” The general idea was that running the race in 2 feet of mud is exactly what I should be doing - it is the point. It was all very consoling and frankly rewarding. It felt very much like a encouraging pat on the back. 

The question will likely always remain: Is the data during such communications from my subconscious or perhaps some outside source? The one thing that I can say with a great deal of certainty is that the experience of trying to become better - more loving - has always led to long-term positive results. On the other hand, fear, greed, selfishness, etc tend to lead to long-term negative results. This is something that we can see by observing those around us as well. Compare a figure like Gandhi to a gangster in prison. As we move toward love and let go of pieces of ego and fear, a natural increase in understanding and awareness occurs. When we are led by ego and fear, a natural decrease or limitation in understanding and awareness occurs. The question of is it real becomes a mute point in this case. The key question becomes: is the information and experience useful - will it help me continue to grow toward being more loving, more selfless, more humble? It is that continual evolution toward love that improves our understanding and view of what those other answers might be.

Hardship and Love

Consciousness Exploration Journal
10/8/11

I was walking along a four-lane highway in the country. Suddenly two giant “conex” style storage boxes were on the highway and slowly sliding toward me. They were enormous and took up all lanes and shoulders. The whole situation seemed very odd and I immediately realized that I was dreaming. I was excited but I reminded myself to stay calm. It took a bit of effort, but I was able to remember my intent (though I was off on the wording a bit), “I want to talk to somebody.” I tried to rescue the request, “ ... interact with somebody ... that is friendly.” Close enough. I was totally alone on the highway with the boxes in front of me. I waited a bit, but nothing happened. I decided to state a question out loud, “what do these boxes represent?” The answer came quick, though not out loud. It seemed to come to me as data to which I assigned my own words. The message did come through very clearly though, “they represent hardship and love.” I wasn’t expecting such a deep answer. I pondered this for a bit and then decided to ask a second question, “why are they so big?” Unfortunately, I cannot recall what happened next. I vaguely remember asking more questions until eventually the answers stopped coming. Though I don't recall all that took place after this or the other responses, I do remember a very bizarre sensation that occurred during the communication. It was as though I had to open and quiet my mind to allow the communication to come through. I remember being surprised that I knew to do this and that it came so naturally. Eventually, I lost lucidity and at some point the dream shifted to being a night scene in a quite area of a town. The two giant boxes had transformed into old camper trailers. One trailer was being delivered to my dad/father-in-law (the character seemed to switch between the two of them in the dream) and the other was to be delivered somewhere else. 

One success of this event is that I was able to instigate the lucid dream by focusing my intent over the last 5 or 6 days. Another key success is that I was also able to quickly recall my desire to interact with a "being" or character in the dream. More important than both of those results though is the response itself. I was not expecting such a profound reply. The fact that it was unexpected forces me to consider the origin the message. Who or what did it come from? It could of course have bubbled up from some level of my subconscious. Or perhaps it came from something or someone outside of myself. To remain both open-minded and skeptical, all possibilities must be considered. The best I can do is to gather more evidence and eventually form a probable truth.

Character Test

Though I continue to have lucid dreams, sleep paralysis, and out-of-body experiences from time to time, I have reached a point where I find myself driven to step things up a bit. There have been short spells in the past in which I have conducted various tests or experiments within these states. The findings have always been eye opening to say the least. It is time again for some more serious exploring. I have recently started my MFA program (specifically in figurative, representational, oil painting). My tentative thesis and body of work are directly related to my explorations in consciousness and to my resultant findings. At any rate, it seems to be a perfect time for some more focused adventures.

Before discussing the first set of tests, I should explain something to prevent confusion. I have read my fair share of lucid dream and out-of-body related literature. Something that I have come to realize over the years through these readings and through my own experiences is that there are no solid distinctions between lucid dreams and out-of-body experiences. Much of the lucid dream literature is essentially describing out-of-body experiences and much of the out-of-body literature is describing lucid dreams. They are, as far as I am currently concerned, one in the same. The labels themselves and the expectations of the person in question seem to be the key factors that create any notable difference. So, I will frequently use the terms interchangeably or together as “lucid dream/OBE”.

The first set of tests will focus completely on communicating with the characters, beings, people, etc that I encounter in these other states. Over the last few years, I have begun to more seriously consider the notion that some of these characters are in fact sentient and aware beings separate from my own consciousness. Because the potential exists that these various characters/beings may be “real” to some degree or another (outside of my subconsciousness or imagination), I (to the best of my ability) will continue to interact in a respectful manner during all encounters.

The first challenge of course is to instigate the lucid dream/OBE experiences. My basic approach is a mixture of the various techniques that I have found success with over the years. The real secret to instigating these states, as far as my experience goes, is to think about the subject frequently (almost obsessively) and to get plenty of rest. There are other aspects that help as well, but the two noted above are the bulk of the process.

The basic phrasing of my intent for these tests will be: “I wish to interact with a friendly being.” Anytime that I find myself in a lucid dream or OBE, I will clearly express this intent. The word “being” in this case is referring any character, being, person, etc in the experience regardless of their origin (from me or from outside of me). I’m honestly not seeking to answer if they are “real” or not. What I am really seeking are the experiences that follow the question. The best I can do is to form a probable truth based on those experiences and move on from there (all the while expecting that I will have to set that probable truth down at some point and replace it with another one... and so on). Such is the process of growth.

Believe Nothing?

One of the realizations that occurred while reading My Big Toe by Thomas Campbell was the notion of having probable truths instead of beliefs. Perhaps it might be useful for others as well.

Book 1 of the My Big Toe trilogy helps to clarify the idea that beliefs are limiting and are functions of the ego as a means to coddle our fears. We choose to believe something or have faith that something is true, so that we can ignore the other (not so warm and fuzzy) possibilities. We might also choose to believe or have faith that something is true as a means to deal with our fear and anxiety toward the uncertain nature of our existence. A quick history of the various religions, societies, and cultures is an excellent clue as to just how common and vast this process is. Okay, so I got it: belief and faith are limiting and not so good in terms of growth and understanding of Big Truth.

So the dilemma then of course was: how does one move forward while not believing or having faith in anything? Much of My Big Toe resonated with me. However, to move forward in any way, it seemed like I had to have faith that there was some truth to it or believe that it was true (at least to some degree). It seemed as though I was just falling into another belief trap. So my first thought at that time was: "okay, I just need to go find some proof." I very quickly realized that amongst such vast uncertainty, there is little actual “proof” to be found. Any evidence found along the way had too many gaps that would have to be filled in with belief and faith. Echoing Descartes, the only thing that I could really say was true with a great deal of certainty was that I exist... I can think and experience.

At that point, I had very little to work with: I exist, belief is limiting, and I was surrounded by a great deal of uncertainty. Well, this stopped me in my tracks. How could I move forward with this? The solution it turns out was both simple and eye opening. It is all of course plainly stated in My Big Toe. It just goes to show that one must actually experience something to fully "get it".

Part of the realization was that beliefs are limiting because they omit the existence of other possibilities. A belief does not allow itself to be wrong. A belief says that everything else is wrong except for itself. Ask somebody with very strong religious beliefs what some of the alternative possibilities are in terms of their existence. This is a very scary notion to somebody with strong beliefs and rightfully so (so don’t actually do it). Imagine taking everything that you thought was true and suddenly having it threatened to be ripped apart. It's not a good feeling. This sheds some light on religious wars no doubt.

So, I considered my own beliefs. I had over 15 years or so nailed them down to three basic ideas: 1. There is something “out there” beyond myself that is inherently "good" 2. The purpose of life is to learn how to love (grow toward love, etc) 3. Nothing else really matters all that much. I was lucky that my beliefs were fairly simple. So in considering these things, I realized that I could not really say with 100% certainty that they were true or accurate. So what if they were completely wrong? Well, I may just turn to dust and the universe will continue on. I could find that I am part of some sick alien experiment. I may realize that I should have been baptized years ago because now I can't get into heaven. Maybe I am laying in a computer matrix somewhere and this is all just a very vivid illusion. You get the idea. Are these considerations any more far fetched than the various religious and cultural beliefs that have existed throughout history?

Okay fine, so now what? How do we move forward? Letting go of everything we believe about our existence is like turning out all the lights and then trying to decide where to go. At some point it hit me: I can move forward based on the idea that something or some idea might be true so long as I am willing to face and accept that it could be wrong. Aha! So this is how that “open-minded skepticism” thing that Tom Campbell keeps talking about works. I can say that I hold the probable truth that I am here to grow toward love, but I must be willing to consider and fully accept that I may be confused or completely wrong. In this way open-minded skepticism is not just about a scientific approach. It is also very much about having a great deal of humility and courage. So I might say, "I am a limited being with a limited understanding, but I choose to move forward based on what I currently find to be most probable. I realize that my current probable truths may be wrong, but I move forward with courage in spite of this uncertainty. My path is one of growth and understanding, and I will look honestly at whatever I may come across along the way." This made the idea of having a "spiritual warrior’s" attitude make a great deal more sense. The battle at hand is with self.

So in the end, my realization was this:
I can move forward based on what I currently hold as my probable truths. For something to function as a probable truth and not a belief, I must fully consider the fact that it may be completely wrong. I must be able to look those other (often not so pretty) possibilities in the eye, accept them, set them down, and move on. I must accept my limitations and move forward with what I have. This approach requires a great deal of humility and courage. The goal is not to cover up or get rid of the uncertain nature of our existence. We have to accept uncertainty. It will likely always be there. The best we can do is to keep moving forward with our current probable truths. Those probable truths of course must be held lightly. As our understanding increases, we will likely have to set them down and replace them with new (and temporary) probable truths. This, as Robert Bruce recently said in a discussion with Tom Campbell is to “remain in the question.” If I ever come to a point where I feel like the question is fully answered, then either I am stuck in a belief trap or I am all knowing... and I’m pretty sure I know which one is more likely. (rhymes with “relief snack”).

Of course, all of this must also be held lightly and as a temporary probable truth :)

Do Your Best

Consciousness Exploration Journal

I was experiencing a very long and stable lucid dream/out-of-body experience. Curious, I went along with the subject matter of the setting for some time, but then decided to break from it. I began asking every person that I came across if they had a message for me. I had thought about carrying out this specific task for some time in the weeks prior. It was in part a test to see what types of responses I would get. However, at that core it was a serious question for which I truly wanted an answer. I asked 7 or 8 people and received only blank stares or confused responses.

Later in the dream, I found myself at a kitchen bar with a few other people. I turned to an older woman sitting near me and asked, “Is there a message for me?” She balked at first, but then seemed to realized my seriousness in asking this. She looked at me very intently and without saying anything, somehow sent me a message. It was as though I had to filter the information and translate the information into my own words. The message was something very close to this: "Do your best to be good (to make good choices) and the system will be good to you (will help you along)". Though she did not say it herself, the message came though very well and it was clearly from her. I repeated it back several times to ensure that I had it correctly.

Then she expressed something else that I couldn't quite understand. It came through as "defend your indulgences" and then as "protect your indulgences". I tried and tried to understand, but just couldn't get it. I can't make any clear sense of it now either. I did try to work through it with the woman by using the flat grill as an example. I’m not sure why or how it came to me at the time, but in an attempt to understand this second part of the message, I picked up a fork and laid it on the grill. The fork was wet and so it sizzled and hissed across the grill. I said something along the lines of: "Is it similar to if I drop this fork on the grill and decide not to do anything about it; then you pick it up and get burned... or even if you don't get burned. The idea is that I should still do something about it because there is the potential that you could get burned?" At that moment, off to the side, a man exclaimed, "YES!" while clapping his hands excitedly. However, the woman gave me a very patient look that said, that is very good, but not what I am telling you. Concerned that I would forget the first part of the message, I repeated it back several more times and explained to her that I should wake up and write it down so I would not forget. I got up from the chair and jokingly said, "If I only knew how to wake up". The thought came to me to lay down on the floor. At that, I slowly began floating down to the floor. As I did, I looked back up at the woman. I could now see the man who had exclaimed “yes” during the conversation. The woman now had a bit of a glow around her. She gave me a gentle smile as I reached the floor and vanished form the scene.

Flying with the Birds

Consciousness Exploration Journal

I was driving along a road. I noticed some birds flying in the opposite direction. I decided to change my direction and fly with them. I became lucid after doing this. I had perfect control of my flying (unlike other instances). I soared with the birds for a bit, but then decided to speed up. I flew up and over a mesa. Far off in the distance, I could see a mountain range. I focused on one of the peaks and set my intent to fly there. I began shooting across the sky toward the peak at a very fast rate. At the same time, it appeared as though the mountains themselves were moving toward me. I felt like I had conquered that task and so stopped. I could not remember what test I had planned to carry out, so I decided to look at my hands in the meantime. They had the same appearance as my “physical” waking hands. Focusing on them seemed to cause me to begin fading out of the dream. Slowly, I felt myself sinking into a darkness until I eventually found myself back in my sleeping body.