The Help Needs Help

Consciousness Exploration Journal

4/13/12

I was having an extensive dream about being in a yoga class. After the class, I walked out to my car to leave. It was a very small parking lot, but I could not seem to find my car. I pushed the alarm button on the keychain. Several cars (that were not mine) beeped and chirped. After some confusion, I eventually realized that I was dreaming. The first thought that entered my mind was that I wanted to go explore someplace where I could learn something. At that thought, I immediately began to float. I traveled higher and higher until everything began to get dark. I had the impression that I was now lying down in a dark void. With little control, and unsure of what was going to happen, I expressed a simple request to whoever might be there: “keep me safe please.” In hindsight, it was a bit silly; but at that moment, it felt valid. After a short bit, I decided to say (express) a request, “could I receive some guidance please?”. I began to hear what sounded like a broken radio transmission. It slowly became more clear and I heard a female voice reply, “yes”. A few seconds passed and then the voice came through again and said, “yes, but we are not very good at it right now”. Thinking that the voice was referring to a lack of experience in providing guidance, I playfully said, “well that’s not a good thing!” It could of course have meant that “they” are not good at communicating in that specific way. 

I should note... if I would have come across some of these stories years ago, I would have thought that the person who wrote them should probably seek some professional help, or that they had an over-active imagination. However, experience trumps intellectual analysis. Thinking about what is really going on in these experiences is of course much different than actually experiencing them first hand. It would be a mistake for me to take the experience and try to fit it into some pre-existing category. There would be no point. There is a great deal of uncertainty around such things. Each small step forward might bring some bit of understanding or clarity, but uncertainty will still prevail. The best we can do is to move forward based on what we find to be most probable. Of course, what we find to be most probable is often tainted by our fears, ego, and beliefs. So, in-line with the advice of Tom Campbell, we must remain open-minded about everything as well as skeptical about everything... and live gracefully with uncertainty along the way. 

Short Lived

Consciousness Exploration Journal

4/1/12

Woke up in sleep paralysis. Typical noises and sensations were present. Eventually, I floated up into darkness and began spinning (not by choice). I tried to “see” the setting around me. I could only briefly make out what looked liked two purple eyes watching me as I spun around in the darkness. After some time, I ended up back in sleep paralysis. I was laying in bed somewhere between sleep and wakefulness. I could “see” a strange version of my bedroom. The oval mirror in the corner looked like the head of person. I said inquisitively (in my mind), “who is that?” Eventually, I opened my eyes and realized that it was the mirror. 

4/7/12

Woke up at 6:30 and went back to bed at 7:10. I set my intent to have an OBE. Some time later, I found myself standing on a freeway. My awareness shifted back to my bedroom and I began floating up above my bed. Around me, I could see a foggy vision of the bedroom. I celebrated briefly and stated, “grassy field now!”. My intent was to move to a location that I had previously created in my mind. Unfortunately, the experience ended before anything else happened.

Scholarly Kitten

Consciousness Exploration Journal

3/29/2012

I had woken up to around 2am to let our dog out. As I was falling back to sleep, I set my intent to project. 

I was in the middle of a dream that had been going on for a while. It was nighttime and I was in a large tent with two open sides. Beyond the two covered sides of the tent was a thick, dark forest. Beyond the two open sides of the tent were various large structures that resembled something along the lines of Greek or Roman architecture. I had the thought that the woods would be a challenging place to venture into and that the closed sides of the tent were protecting me from making that choice. I considered venturing into the woods anyway to create a potential learning opportunity, but decided against it. Instead, I walked out toward one of the buildings. As I did, a large elk jumped out of a bush and darted away. Shortly after, as I was recovering from being startled by the elk, an orange cat ran into the scene. He was panicked, crouching low to the ground, and with ears laid back. Then two more orange cats arrived in the same state. Then three black/gray cats arrived. The bizarreness of the the scene caused me to become fully lucid. Immediately I had the sensation of what I would call a pre-OBE state. I became partly aware of my body laying in the bed while still taking in the cat scene. I tried to relax into the state shift. As I did, I began floating into a horizontal position and then slowly down to the ground near the cats. The cats seemed to be watching me. I was a bit nervous (unnecessarily so) that the cats might attack me. I let go of that fear and continued to let the state change lead the way. I began to zoom through thick darkness.  I could hear the air whipping by my ears. It was very exciting. I repeated to myself, “Be fearless. Be fearless. Be fearless.” Suddenly, something banged into my knee. It jolted me from the experience and I found myself back in my bed. My wife was rolling over next me. I’m not sure if I actually bumped into something in the experience or if my wife kicked my knee in bed. Either way, it startled me and ended the journey. 

Later in the night during another dream, I was outside getting something from my truck. It was raining, and I was rushing to get back inside. As I approached the door to my studio, I saw a small gray/black cat soaked with rain. I opened the door and encouraged him to come inside the studio with me. He hesitated, but eventually came it. I picked him up and started drying him off with a towel. As I did, he began biting my finger. I felt slight pain, but knew that it would stop hurting if I ignored it - so I did. Still holding the cat, I walked over to a mirror. I was slightly lucid up to this point, but the crystal clear reflection caused me to snap into full awareness. I was amazed at how crisp and clear the reflection was. I had the thought that I could cause the reflection to morph if I wanted. Instantly my face began to shift and change throughout various caricature-like versions. Now in a playful mood, I looked at the cat and asked him to talk. He turned his head like a defiant child and said, “no!” Then, as if reconsidering, he looked at me in the mirror and said, “well, I could recite some poetry if you like.” I got the sense that he was willing to play along and have some fun. On the desk next to us was a small book of poetry. I grabbed it and began searching the pages for something fitting to have the cat read. As I was trying to make out the words on the pages, I had the sense that there was a message for me in the words. I “read” (more like heard) a few lines of a poem. I heard it clearly and found it to be very profound and useful. It was complex though and took some effort to understand. All I can recall is that the first line had something to do with keeping life simple. I tried to decipher more of the message, but the experience faded. In hindsight, I should have repeated it back several times which has helped with recall in the past. 

Rocky Mountain Flying

Consciousness Exploration Journal

2/20/12

I woke up in sleep paralysis. The sensations were mild, but I did hear some distant voices and felt slight vibrations. I didn’t pay much attention to any of it and just waited. I had the clear sensation of detaching from my body and floating upward. Having experienced this many times before, I just relaxed and waited. I began to get the usual disorienting sensations of spinning and rolling in the air. Though it was completely dark, I began to get the sense that I was floating toward the ceiling of some very large room. I had the thought that I could project something on the wall if I wanted. I realized that seeing the stars of the night’s sky would be a nice general technique to maintain the floating sensation. I intuitively knew at this point that I had control and could go about my way exploring. This is interesting because there is a clear and distinct difference in the way that the experience feels when this feeling of control occurs. Things begin to feel very natural and very vivid. Any fear or anxious anticipation fades. The best way to describe it is that I feel as though I am a more functional, aware, open, and able version of me (as if some of the limitations are not present). Another way to describe it is that I feel fresh and new like a bubbly and curious child. 

Having good control, I began to fly across the room. I could now see a set of giant doors that led outside. As I flew toward them with the intent to go beyond them, one of them opened for me. It is difficult to say if I willed it to open or if I simply knew it would open. Outside, the scenery was extremely crisp, vivid, and full of life. The surroundings reminded me of the various old mining towns in Colorado. There was a road in front of me. Cars leisurely traveled by in both directions. I had the notion that I could go right or left, but that either choice would lead to a different experience. I chose left and flew down the road passing over the various cars underneath. I set my intent to talk to the lady from the kitchen conversation. I began scanning the various drivers and pedestrians to see if anybody looked familiar. No luck. I waited for some sign or hint of where to go. A green car pulled off the road below me. I intuitively decided to pass it by. Perhaps a missed opportunity, but it seemed suspicious somehow. I continued flying down the road. It began to zig zag through the mountains and into a small town. I analyzed the various trees and buildings and became quite giddy at just how amazingly real it all felt. I had the sense that my giddiness could spiral out of control, so I gathered myself and continued on into the town. I came to what looked like a diner of sorts. It was very busy and was apparently the hang out for the locals. I flew lower to land on the street. One man noticed me and seemed to be very surprised to see somebody flying through the air. Nobody else at the diner seemed to notice or care. At this point, I had a light sensation that some small being or person was tagging along with me. Almost like a small child or dog. I caught myself saying things to this little presence out loud so that it knew what the plan was. I did not see anybody familiar at the diner so I decided to go into the neighboring building to look around. I eventually found a room that, for whatever reason, seemed like the place that I was suppose to wait. The room was laid out like a children’s waiting room - with a few small chairs and some toys and books. I began to sit down and wait, but realized that the chairs were far too small for me. Eventually I shrunk down... or in some other way fit into a chair. The moment that I set back and relaxed, the experience began to fade. Eventually I opened my eyes and grabbed my journal. 

Considering past experiences, it seems that when I stop fully engaging the experience, it fades. This would explain the various techniques that I have read about to maintain lucid dreams and out-of-body experiences such as rubbing your hands together or spinning. It may simply be a matter of maintaining one’s focus on events and elements within the experience. So, similar to drifting off into a daydream in waking life and essentially becoming unaware of the world around us, loosing focus (such as relaxing in a chair) in these other experiences might cause the reality of the experience to fade. 

Morning OBE

Consciousness Exploration Journal

2/5/12

I woke up at 6am to let the dog out. I laid in bed until 7am trying to go back to sleep. I set my intent to have a lucid dream/ OBE. I slowly drifted off and became aware in sleep paralysis. The typical sensations were present. At first, I heard a male’s voice saying something in my ear. I also heard the growling voice again. I didn’t fall for it this time though. I sat up out of my body, but could not seem to fully detach. I gave up and settled back into sleep paralysis. The sensations were slightly more intense this time. I resolved to stay with it no matter what. I set my intent to see or converse with the lady from the kitchen experience. I began to hear what sounded like a faint female voice. I had the impression that somebody was holding me and singing or humming to me (like a mother would hold a baby). For some reason, I began to get an intense dull pain in my lower back. I tried to ignore it and continued to focus on trying to converse with the woman again. As usual, it was completely dark as if my eyes were shut. This has never made any sense to me - why it is always completely dark. I normally have both auditory and tactile sensations, but never any visual. I realized that I was intentionally closing my eyes to avoid causing myself to wake up. It struck me that I should try to visualize something to kick in my “astral” vision. I started trying to picture a blender (random, I know). It worked. For a few seconds I found myself standing in a room. At the same time, I had started to open up my physical eyes and could see a blurry vision of the bedroom ceiling. I closed them and tried the visualization trick again. I gently tried to visualize the mystery room again. It worked. Suddenly, I was standing in my bathroom (astral bathroom). Everything was crystal clear. I was quite excited and ran around the house in celebration. When I came into the living room, I saw a mirror (one that is not normally there). I stopped running and stood in front of it. In it was a clear reflection of myself. I celebrated briefly at being in such a clear experience. I gathered myself, and thought about what task or test I wanted to perform. The first thing that came to my mind was that I should send some love and happiness to my wife and kids. Then, I realized that I should go to each of the rooms and do it in person. I went to my daughter’s room first. She was lying at the bottom of the bed and partly hanging off. I slid her up so that she was fully on the bed again. She slightly opened her eyes and acknowledged me with a smile. I started wondering if she might be dreaming about me at that moment, or maybe just thinking of me. I thought about this for sometime. The experience began to fade and I woke up and wrote it down. 

It would appear that I passed the growling fear test this time. I regret not spending some time at the mirror. The fact that it was aimed so that I would run into it makes me wonder if there was some relevance or importance to it. 

Dream Interviews, and a Resurrection

Consciousness Exploration Journal

1/25/12

I was riding in an elevator that was headed to a loft apartment. I stepped off the elevator and entered a large kitchen. Some sort of casual dinner party was at the cusp of beginning. As I walked into the scene, I inexplicably became fully lucid. I approached a  tall man in his 50’s to strike up a conversation. I kept trying to get his attention, but each time that I tried to address him face-to-face his head would turn so that I could only see the back of his head. He also appeared to be very busy, so I eventually gave up and moved on to another person. 

I noticed a small group of people engaged in what appeared to be an interesting conversation. I eventually worked my way into the group and found an opportunity to ask one of the men what he thought about the process of dreaming. He seemed to become very confused by the question, as if he had only ever considered the topic in passing. He tried very hard to formulate a coherent response, but seemed to become more and more disoriented as a result. I eventually got the impression that he didn’t think too much about dreaming and didn’t find it to be all that special. 

I moved on to a woman in the same group. I asked her what she thought about the process of dreaming. Her response turned into an mild argument with the previous man. Apparently she found dreams to be quite relevant while he did not. They countered back and forth like a couple going through the motions of a disagreement that has been played out many times before. I lost her attention and so decided to move on.

As I scanned the room, I noticed that an elevator was arriving. Inside was a family of 5. The mother was lying on the floor and was unresponsive. Her three young girls were circled around her. The father was slumped into the corner with his chin to his chest apparently mourning the loss of his wife. The scene was reminiscent of a narrative painting from the Italian Renaissance. As I watched the scene, one of the little girls said, “poor mommy.” I lightheartedly thought to myself (or perhaps it was out loud), “not to worry. This is my dream. I will bring her back to life.” I walked over to the woman and raised my hand over her body to signify my intention. The woman slowly came around and while somewhat still disoriented said, “I must have fallen asleep.” In almost comical fashion, the husband and children were instantly back to normal. They shuffled off to join the party, leaving the mother alone in the elevator. The woman casually thanked me. I explained that she could return the favor by letting me ask her a few questions. She become very flirtatious at this, as if she had misunderstood my request. I redirected her to my question, “what do you think about the process of dreaming?” As she started to answer, I suddenly found myself soaring over a larger body of water and toward a bridge. I felt very much like a bird gliding through the air. The new scene and the various sensations were very crisp and vivid. The woman’s voice boomed across the sky. The words were clear and strong, yet I couldn’t comprehend what she was saying. I had a hunch that the dream was about to end. I decided to wake myself up before slipping back into unawareness and forgetting the vividness of the experience. 

I regret not having asked a more meaningful question.

Sleep Paralysis, Fear, and the Voice.

Consciousness Exploration Journal

1/11/12

I woke from a dream and found myself in full sleep paralysis. I was getting slight sensory input from the actual room in which I was sleeping and also from the sleep/dream state. I tried to maintain my composure and relax into the sleep paralysis. I felt a shift and had the very real sensation of being turned onto my side with my feet floating well above where the bed would be. My head seemed to be anchored to the location of my actual head on the pillow. A forceful wind began rushing passed me. My tilted and sideways body began flapping like a flag in a storm. Many of the other typical sensations were present: voices, chatter, buzzing, etc. One of the voices sounded very similar to that of Bob Monroe (as he sounds on the various hemi-sync audio files). I focused on what he was saying, but could only pull out bits and pieces. I eventually could make out something along the lines of, “I will let go and see what happens, even if I might die... even if I might die”. I was a bit surprised and curious about this statement, but at the same time found it very fitting. I tried to remember what task or test I had planned to carry out, but was too distracted by the breadth and intensity of the various sensations.  The sensations of my body in the waking world were still present, but only slightly so. I could hear the nails of my dog’s paws taping across the floor as she approached the side of the bed to be let outside. The sound was distant and muffled though, like a fading memory. A seemingly random question entered my mind: “what lessons should I be learning from this life?” The sensations grew to a violent intensity. My awareness of the waking world quickly faded. I figuratively gritted my teeth and braced for impact. Suddenly, and as clear as if somebody was standing a foot from my ear, I heard a voice say, “aaaahhhhhhhhhhh” as if the voice was doing a comical imitation of somebody riding on a roller coaster. There was such a strong feeling that the sound was directed specifically at me by an outside observer that I began working to stop the experience. Slowly, I was able to wiggle a toe and then a finger and eventually wake up. 

I had a similar experience several weeks ago. I woke up in sleep paralysis and was experiencing the usual sensations. I mustered up some courage and just tried to relax into it. On this occasion, I heard the same voice as in the above experience. However, this particular time it made a silly and almost comical growl (similar to the way that I might growl as I am playing with my kids). It also gave me a bit of a scare and caused me to stop the experience. It is interesting that the voice in both of these experiences sounds like my own. 

Though I have experienced sleep paralysis well over 100 times, the intensity and extent of the various sensations still takes me by surprise. There is no doubt that sleep paralysis can serve as a gateway to the stereotypical out-of-body experience (at least for me). In most every case, when I encourage the sleep paralysis state further, there is, at some point, the clear sensation of detaching from my sleeping body or connecting to a new reality while still maintaining full awareness. The sensation is as real and as crisp as the sensation of sitting in this chair and typing on a keyboard. The experiences that occur after these separations vary. Some have lead to profound and life-changing experiences. In others, I just float up into a thick darkness and am unable to use my mental intent to effect or alter the experience. 

The voice has sent me running away with my tail between my legs twice. I'll see what I can do next time.

Tom Campbell’s discussion of fear in the video below has helped me a great deal in relation to sleep paralysis (you can skip the intro and start the video at 50 seconds). Courage truly is the only effective antidote for fear. It seems that the more I dig and explore who I am, the more fear and ego I dig up. I have let go of the notion that perfection is the goal. The goal, as I see it, is to maintain a steady state of evolution toward love.